Bringing in 2009

It has been a long two weeks since I last posted but I've been super busy. I hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas season! As most of you know it was our Christmas to be in Mississippi with my dads' sister and her family. I was there for a week. It was a long drive but totally worth it. We are such a close family that each time we get to see each other it's special. Of course when it's time to leave it breaks my heart. I miss out on so much of their lives. Garrett is a freshman in high school and will have his license the next time I see him. Parker will be 7 in Feb. It's unbelievable how fast they grow up. It doesn't seem long ago that I was holding Parker in the hospital room. He truly is a gift from God. I miss them so much. I think I cried for 10 minutes after we left. Yes, I know I cry all the time. :) I just have to remind myself that I'll see them in May at Lance's graduation.

Yesterday was my first day home and I got a lot accomplished. I unpacked my suitcase, which seems to take forever. I cleaned my room, dusted and everything. I went to town and ran some errands and at night went to Bobe's for supper and went to see Marley and Me! Which I loved. I've been begging for a dog for about 5 years and I'm not getting anywhere but I'm not giving up! Today I took down the Christmas tree and the rest of the decorations. Fun, Fun.

I can't believe this year is over. As I look back on this past year, I have many struggles and accomplishments. Last Jan. I struggled with being away from home. I just felt like I need to be home with my family. I didn't understand why but I finished out the year and came home. Then summer came we had family vacations and weddings which were fun. By fall, a started school again only I was by myself. In a new place, but don't get me wrong I enjoy being home. My dad had back surgery in August so I was able to take care of him. I had the same routine everyday. Then came the death of Patrick, who I would say was a family friend. My mom use to give him his allergy shots. That was a wake up call. I think I drove Lance crazy. Every time there was a wreck or he wouldn't answer his phone I would freak out. He would usually tell me he's okay and not to worry so much. I was beginning to not worry so much, to let my guard down when the passing of Jim put me back into my worrying "mode." I can honestly say not a day goes by that I don't think about those girls. I think that no one at their age should ever have to go through the things they are. I pray to God that He gives them strength to get through each day. I love them all soo much. Even though we have times of struggle throughout this past year, it has made my relationship with God even stronger!

As you bring in your New Year, remember to be thankful for the things you have been blessed with in 2008. God has bigger plans for you in 2009. I can't wait to see the things He was planned for me!

Keep looking up!

God bless

Strength for each day

It's almost been a week since I've been on here so let me catch you up! I finished this semester of school last Wednesday! WO WO! I was so glad to be done with school till next year!
Friday night me and some of the girls went to eville to celebrate Steph being totally done with school (classes). We went and enjoyed supper at Red Lobster and it was so good! After that we indulged into some shopping. Who can come to eville and not shop? not me! :) Anyways we had a great night, laughing and catching up on things. I'm glad we can all find time to get to together.

Saturday came and it was like someone had turned a switch inside of me. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to do anything. I finally got up and went and laid on the couch. (not much progress) I was sad, depressed, lonely..etc. My heart just felt like it was in a million pieces and I couldn't figure out how to put it back together. I didn't feel like even taking a shower, but I was hoping once I did I would begin to feel better. I just couldn't bring myself to get up. I felt like I cried all day. Tears were just a constant battle to hold back. I finally decided to go to Wal-Mart because no one was home. I cried on my way to wal-mart and as I was walking in. I thought "God what are you doing to me?" "You give me good days and then you give me days like today?" Then I thought of something I read saying "God didn't promise days without pain, but strength for the day" I was thinking okay God I hear You BUT why? Over the next couple of days He showed me why. Sunday came and I woke up and went to church by myself. As I walked in I saw it was the children's Christmas program. Children melt my heart. I love them. My thought was God, You know my heart! You know what I need. When I got home from church my dad took me and Gage out for lunch, just us! :) After lunch we all went to Wal-Mart to get some last minute things for my dad's trip to Phoenix later that day. That's another reason I thank God, family.
We went to bed Sunday just like any other night. I was suddenly awakened by the power-surges we were having due to the wind and rain. My printer was driving me crazy. So, I finally just unplugged all of it. A few minutes later my mom came to my room saying she smelt something burning! My first thought was our house was on fire, but that wasn't the case. We couldn't figure out where this smell was coming from. Some of our lights worked and some didn't. The computers seemed fine. Remember my dad was in Phoenix, so me and my mom were like should we call grandpa, it's 3:30 in the morning. We ended up calling him and he came over and fixed the lights. But we still didn't know where the smell was coming from until last night. My brother (lance) went to plug the computer back in and gave him a good shock and burnt his finger. :( Then they noticed it had burnt the floor(shh don't tell my dad, just yet) and the surge protector had done it's job. I was thankful that we had finally figured it out and I didn't have to worry anymore. When we spoke to my dad about this he words were "we could replace the house, I just want you guys to be safe." God will protect us! so to answer my question, "why God can't promise days without pain?' Because look at all the things He gives us, a home, a family, friends, and children. We have so much to be thankful for. God loves us unconditionally and even though we have bad days He will give us the STRENGTH to get through them.
Last night I helped out at Jubilee Christmas at Providence. I felt like it was the least I could do to give to those that our less fortunate than myself. I really enjoy it. Me and my grandpa were in charge of gift wrapping! :)
Anyways, sorry that this got soo long. Hope you're having a good week! Keep looking up! :)
~All my love

Little notes.

Tonight I decided to go through some old notes and cards that I have been given over the past years. It's amazing to see what new things pop out at me when I read them now. Instead of me rambling tonight I thought I would just share some of the things I found. :)

You can make a difference in your world. It's not how much you accomplish in life that really counts but how much you give to others. It's not how high you build your dreams that makes a difference but how high your faith can climb. It's not how many goals you'll reach, but how many lives you touch. It's not whom you know that matters, but whom you are inside.
~Geneva

The 7 UPS
WAKE UP
..decide to have a good day.. Psalms 118:24
DRESS UP
...put on a smile... I Samuel 16:7
SHUT UP
..say nice things and learn to listen... Proverbs 13:3
STAND UP
..for what you believe in... Galatians 6:9-10
LOOK UP
..to the Lord... Philippians 4:13
REACH UP
....for something higher... Proverbs 3:5-6
LIFT UP
....your prayers.. Philippians 4:6

Make goals, aim high, and trust the Lord and He will see you through. ~Papaw Miller

"let go and let God"

I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me...Phil 4:13

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way

I hope everyone is having a good week. Just remember that God has control of whatever situation you may be going through. If you would like, please leave comments of verses, or messages that mean something to you! I would love to read them!
~All my love

Rain...

Today was just a rainy day and this song(Bring the rain (on my playlist)) seemed to be stuck in my head. I had a little break down on the way to school this morning. It doesn't take much anymore. My dad has been straightening out his life insurance and other important things this week. I know he wants to make sure we're taken care of when he's gone. He's taken this really hard. Which is understandable Jim wasn't just his uncle. Growing up they were more like brothers being so close in age. Tonight he made the comment that we needed to put away their family picture because it makes him think that he should be driving past our house. My heart hurts and I just scream inside wanting everything to be okay. For this pain to go away for our families. A girl I work with at the preschool loves to talk about how each season she goes out to her husbands grave and puts something seasonal by his name. I think she said he's been gone for like 8 years. I didn't have the nerve to tell her to stop. My thoughts were sad and only lead to one thing. With this song "bring the rain" it says..

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above
because you are much greater than my pain
you who made a way for me suffering your destiny
so tell me whats a little rain

To be honest since Nov. 3 I pray more than before. There are times throughout my day something will pop into my head that makes my heart hurt and pray to God to help me. I need His guidance. I had a dream one night that felt so real. I was sitting at a softball game that Jim coached. I can tell you who was sitting beside me and exactly where I was sitting. Jim had walked up to the fence in his gym shorts and Barr-Reeve T-shirt and said "hey Chels." At that moment I woke up and remembered it was only a dream. But the way he said my name, it's one of those things I would always recognize.
I guess what I'm struggling with today is why God brings us pain? We know he has a reason but why doesn't it go away. This song to me, means that if times like things bring us closer to Him, then continue to bring the rain.

Cowgirl don't cry...

My new favorite song right now is Cowgirls don't cry by Brooks and Dunn. I had heard it a few times but didn't really listen to the words. As I was watching the CMA awards a couple of weeks ago, I really listened to it as they performed... here are the lyrics and if i get time I'm add it to my playlist so you can listen to it.

Her daddy gave her, her first pony
Then taught her to ride
She climbed high in that saddle
Fell I don't know how many times
Taught her a lesson that she learned
Maybe a little too well

Cowgirls don't cryRide, baby, ride
lessons in life are going to show you in time
soon enough your gonna know why
it's gonna hurt every now and then
if you fall get back on again
Cowgirls don't cry

She grew up
She got married
Never was quite right
She wanted a house, a home and babies
He started coming home late at night
She didn't let him see it break her heart
She didn't let him see her fall apart'cause

Cowgirls don't cry
Ride, baby, ride
lessons in life are goinna' show you in time
soon enough your gonna know why
it's gonna hurt every now and then
if you fall get back on again
Cowgirls don't cry

Phone rang early one morning
Her momma's voice, she'd been crying
Said it's your daddy, you need to come home
This is it, I think he's dying
She laid the phone down by his head
The last words that he said

Cowgirl don't cry
Ride, baby, ride
Lessons in life show us all in time
Too soon God lets you know why
If you fall get right back on
Good Lord calls everybody home
Cowgirl don't cry

I'll post more later, just wanted to share this song because it touched me!

Guilt..

Do you ever have days where you feel guilty for the things you're blessed with? Sometimes I feel guilty that I work two jobs just to support what some may call my shopping addiction. I don't really have a plan for the money that I make. I end up just spending whenever and wherever. Since Christmas season is approaching I often have thoughts going through my head about how blessed I am to have the family I do. They support me physically, mentally, emotionally, financially etc... I often hear people talking about how they can't afford their other bills let alone Christmas. I feel guilty, I told one of my friends that sometimes I come real close to just giving up one of my paychecks to children so they can enjoy a Christmas that I have had in my childhood. Have I ever done it? NO. Is that greed? Possibly. I don't want to be like that. I want to believe that money isn't a must have for me but when it comes down to just giving it away to those in need I'm at a stand still almost. I don't want to sound like I never given because I do. I just feel like I should give more!
On another note... I had my first flat tire today on my way to school. I kind of had a gut feeling because we were suppose to take it to the tire shop a couple of weeks ago due to a vibration. Well today was my lucky day. I totally ruined my tire. It has holes all the way around it. Thank goodness, Kate was behind us to take us to school. I had a test in my first class @ 8. That afternoon my dad went and fixed it and took it to get 3 more new tires. When I came home from school he drove in with my car. He was saying "you should be riding in style with them $500 tires." I said that's insane for 3 tires. He goes "well I got you roadside assistants because I might not always be around." I told him not to say that. Then I got to thinking, you never know. God has his plans and we have ours and they may be totally different. To add to my guilt theme, I began to feel guilty that I still have my dad and I have to watch family suffer over their loss. No I don't want my dad gone. I just don't want to see others hurt. It makes me hurt! If you guys haven't read Britt's blog today, I think it's a must read. I'll be honest I read it 3 times! I love her and I know I can't say that enough. The love she has for our God is truly amazing! She can truly write her emotions down and I hope God gives her strength to continue doing what she is. I'm so proud of her and the life she's making for herself. :)
Well, tomorrow is another busy day. I have to work at the Preschool and then come home and work on a project that I've put off for toooooo long. Hope the week is going well :)
Hang in there!

Give Thanks...

Tonight I write with a heavy heart.... I never believed that I would be this open in this blog. I've always written my thoughts down and hid them away for only me to see. I DON'T want people to think that I'm selfish and that my heart is the only one that hurts this badly. Truth is it doesn't even come close. I do my best to put up a strong front for my friends and family because I know I need to be strong.
Driving to the church this morning I prayed to God, asking Him to give us a great day filled with memories and not sadness. The last time we had been all been together was the funeral. I pull in and I saw Jamie and the girls at his grave and all of this emotion came to me. Tears just started rolling down my face. I begged God to help me get through this. I need to be strong I kept telling myself. For those girls, my family, and for myself.
We had lots of laughter. My dad and Jamie still "fight" over the salt and pepper shakers. Even though there is more than one they want the SAME one. :) Some things never change. We always talk about how she's my dad aunt, yet my dad is older than her. They always get a kick out of making fun of each other.
I have to admit in the years past I've always tried to find a way to leave early. Not because I don't love my family, I was just ready to leave. Today was different. I sat and played games for hours and couldn't believe how fast the time was flying. Before I knew it, hours had gone by and everyone was cleaning up to go home. Time to tell everyone that we would see them soon. Hugs came and the one thing that broke my heart was the sight of Jamie tearing up. You could tell it's soooo hard on her. First holiday and first everything. By that time I knew I was going to break down and cry right in front of everyone and I didn't want to that now. I had to walk away just to calm myself down...
I was reading someones blog today and it really hit me. She was talking about how she's struggled this week. She asked herself what she was thankful for....but found nothing. She was like how do I tell God that I'm thankful that he took my baby away from me? I can't be thankful for that. Later she goes on to explain that her little girl said.. Mommy, you can be thankful because she's in heaven and we'll get to see her someday. I was just like WOW. God is truly amazing. We ARE thankful that He took Jim because one day we WILL get to see him again.
In the coming weeks, those girls will celebrate their first Christmas, New Years, and Jim's birthday without him. I ask one thing from all of you that read this. I ask that you pray for their family. Give them strength to get through these times.
I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving and didn't eat too much. :)
I better finish up since I'm leaving @ 4:45 am to do some crazy shopping! Anyways keep looking up! God bless!

I had a my appointment yesterday and good news the doctor wasn't concerned with my lab results his words were "your labs look great." That made me feel so much better. He increased my medicine from 60mg a day to 80mg and also an antibiotic, he says this month we will begin to see faster results! :) I'm so excited it's been a long time since my face has been clear. July to be exact! With my day going well I decided to do some retail therapy. I was in the shoe buying "mode." When I came home my dad just didn't understand why I needed new shoes when I have plenty in my closet! :) (I don't know if he'll ever understand)
While a was shopping a got more good news.... Baby Herron is Perfect!! Praise God! They got the test results back yesterday and everything is perfect. I'm so happy for that family! Love them! :)
Tonight has been a little difficult for me. My dad flew to Mississippi today to be with my aunt tomorrow for her surgery (Please pray that everything will go smoothly). Last night when I came home from eville I just hugged him because for some selfish reason I didn't want him to go. I wanted him to be here with us. I know it's only 6 days. But with the events of these pass two weeks you never know. This morning I made sure I hugged him and let him know that I loved him. My dad has not even been gone 24 hours and it makes my heart break to pieces to think about those girls and Jamie. I can't even begin to describe the pain they must feel. Sometimes you think you don't know how to go on without Jim but the truth is we are. Yes it still hurts, and yes we will always be reminded of him. But those girls have something amazing to look forward to and that's when they can see him again! God has special plans for them!
Tonight this verse has been in my head:
'Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind......Luke 10:27

I've heard it a million times but it still reminds me that He is in control of my life and I just have to love Him with everything I have!
Well I'm heading off to bed! Enjoy the weekend! :) God Bless!

Not so good results..

Today has been one of those days. It started off by waking up at 6:40 when I usually wake up alot earlier and I'm out the door by 7 to make it to VU by 8. Well today I made it there at 8:10. My first class went well and my plan was to go get all my LAB work done for my doctor appointment tomorrow. Last night I put my lab slip in my mom purse so I wouldn't forget it at home and she would take it to work with her. So I get to her office and it's not there... hmmm(still not sure where it's at) Anyways, I had to call them and have them fax a new one. Lunch time came around and I just felt sick to my stomach. I was afraid to eat but knew if I didn't I would so starving by supper. I ate but the rest of the day my stomach just hurt so bad.
After my last class I went back to my mom's work to wait for her to get off work. I noticed my lab results were sitting there so I took a look. My cholesterol has risen while being on this medicine. Last month it was 174? and this month it's 204. If it gets too high I have to go off this medicine that's finally starting to clear up my face. I don't know what the Dr. thinks is too high. I know the range was 100-200. I'm worried and nervous about my appointment tomorrow. I don't want to go off this medicine. Everything else looked good which made me feel a little better. I'm going to try and stay positive. I'll give an update about how the appointment goes later! I'm going to do some major "retail therapy" tomorrow and try and get some of my Christmas shopping done! Anyways, hope everyone is having a good week. ...and if today got you down just remember tomorrow is a new day!

**Please keep Maria in your prayers tonight! for those who know who i'm talking about she gets her test results back tomorrow!

Life goes on.....

Friday night was filled with many old memories, laughter, and of course yummy food. Brooke's Birthday!!! haha (two weeks early) It has been a long time since I have been able to laugh that much. I always feel like I shouldn't be having a good time when people are dealing with such hurt in their lives. In about three hours it will mark 2 weeks since this nightmare happened and the hurt is still there. BUT from this point on I need to be strong for those girls and Jamie. With Thanksgiving around the corner and our annual black friday day with britt and Jamie, things will be different. It was so different last weekend when we had all the Miller's here because it's not the same without Jim. I think Britt mentioned in her blog about how she was just waiting for him to show up and honestly it does feel like that. I don't know if that feeling will ever go away.
Last night, Me and Emily went to see the movie Fireproof in Jasper. I loved it. I encourage everyone to see it. It reminded me that God loves us even when we reject him over and over again. What an AWESOME God!! :)
Anyways, Happy Birthday to Jamie yesterday!!! ..and as you go through your week remember to keep britt, bri,bay and jamie in your thoughts and prayers! Love you guys! Have a good week!

What breaks my heart

Gage.. my eleven year old brother broke down at school today just sobbing and no one understood why. Mrs. O'Brian took him aside to ask him what was wrong. Is this about Jim? He said yes and that him and Jim talked about doing many things together that they never got the chance! When this story was told to me I couldn't do anything else but cry for Gage. God has blessed him with a heart of gold. A came across something Gage wrote the other night and this is what it said....
JIM IN MY HEART FOR EVER
JIM WAT A MAN WAS ALWAYS CARING FOR OTHER PEOPLE BEFORE HIM SELF. I WOULD ALWAYS GO TO THE CAMPGROUND, AND IF JIM WOULDN'T MAKE HIS HOMEMADE ICECREAM I WOULDN'T GO. HE WAS MY GREAT UNCLE BUT I LOVED HIM LIKE ANOTHER DAD... REALLY. HE CARED FOR US, BY US, I MEAN EVERYONE. HE WAS A LOVING, HEART FILLED MAN. HE ALWAYS HAD TO DO SOMETHING, AND THATS WHY WE LOVE HIM. I PLAY BASKETBALL AND ONCE I WAYS OUT SIDE AND HE DROVE BY IN THE K-K TRUCK. HEY SMILEY. THATS MY NAME HE COULD MY COUSEN JEREMY AND I.HE SAID ONETIME SAID SMILEY LETS GO TO THE GYM BUT I COULDN'T.HE SAID OH MAN, HE KEPT GOING. WE NEVER GOT GO TO THE GYM, AND I WISH HE WAS HERE AND WE GO TO THE GYM EVERYDAY I COULD GO. LOVE THE MILLERS AND EVERYONE WHO KNOWEN JIM. I KNOW IT IS REALLY HARD REALLY U GUYS TAKE CARE. LOVE U JAMIE BRI, BAY, AND CINERRALLA
For those of you who don't know about Jim. He was our Great Uncle. He's a brother to my grandpa. Jim went to be an angel almost two weeks ago.
I've struggled these past two weeks excepting what God has thrown into my life. My heart breaks every time I read Britt's blog (even the happy ones) because I feel that no one should ever suffer that much hurt and have to pick up the pieces and move on. Brittany is one strong, powerful, blessed, and loving person I have ever met. Right now I'm speechless, all day I have many thoughts but now I'm struggling to get them down. I'm going to go for now. If I could leave you with one thing: Please tell those you love how much you love them. Give extra hugs and kisses and always thank God for the time and blessings He gives us! God Bless!